I’m having a wobble. This whole week I’ve been really rattled and its an accumulation of things that probably seem small on their own but together are leaving me feeling very overwhelmed and unhappy.
My better half is scheduled to have major surgery at the end of October. Any kind of hospital stay has me rattled but more so being so far away from our families. This is the part of emigration I hate most! Its knowing you are absolutely on your own at the times when you most need your family to be there. We faced this 2 years ago when we were in hospital with the Diva – but then at least I had DH to lean on (and vice versa) and only one child to care for. Now I am scared about the operation. I’m worried that something will go wrong and DH wont wake up afterward – and I cant say so to him because he’s scared enough himself already. I don’t know how we’re going to manage with him being in hospital, me being at work and juggling both kids – and that’s just for the hospital stay, never mind the 6 weeks afterward where he’ll have limited mobility and not be allowed to drive. I need my mom and my sister and my father-in-law here, and all are either unable or unwilling to come (most unable – and validly so, but the unwilling is really upsetting).
Then there is just the constant battle, feeling like it doesn’t matter how hard we work or how much we earn we just never manage to get on top of things. Every time you feel like you’re getting ahead something breaks, or some urgent expensive need comes up 😦
And I’m tired of being the “fun police”. I’m tired of having to juggle all the accounts and say “no” to every single thing that would mean extra money. I’m tired of being responsible all the time. Its draining! I’m tired, I’m grumpy, I am gatvol.
I’m reminding myself that there are people out there who have it so much worse. And I’m doing what I can to get back to my happy place. But I am also allowing myself a large bowl of icecream and a good sulk.