Day 30 → A letter to myself

Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Dear T,

I love that you are resourceful and resilient, and when something needs sorting out you make a plan. I’m glad you aren’t a diva! There’s a lot to be said for being self-sufficient but you should learn to let go sometimes and trust more.

I love that you aren’t usually the nicest person in a room but you’ve learned to keep your sarcasm contained for the most part.

I love that you’re becoming a better mother and I love that you are becoming more comfortable and confident in your parenting.

Oh, and I love the new soft jiggly wobbly boobs, hips and thighs – keep ‘em.

*mwah*

T

Day 29 → Something I hope to change about myself

Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself.

I wish I could be more laid-back. I manage to fake it sometimes but truth is I’m wound pretty tight. I like things “just so” and any deviation from the plan raises my stress level. It can make my family miserable and I think sometimes I come across as a humourless pain in the ass.

So I’d like to lighten up and relax a bit.

Day 28 → If you were pregnant, what would you do?

Day 28 → If you were pregnant, what would you do?

Wow, I’d be thrilled beyond belief. And terrified. And shocked.

We can’t afford any more children and I don’t know if we could put ourselves through the incredible stress that comes with pregnancy but I would consider it a blessing nonetheless. So I’d probably have a bit of a happy cry, and a nervous cry, then I’d tell DH and no doubt there’d be a bit of an argument… and then I would sit and wait and pray for the next 9 months. Pray for a baby that sticks, pray to carry to term and pray that our family could adjust.

Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?

Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?

The best thing we have going for us right now is our move out of South Africa. Don’t get me wrong, there is a lot I miss about SA but moving countries has opened up a whole new world for us… and now that we’ve moved countries once I might like to do it another couple of times, just for the experience.

We’ve been exposed to a new country, new climate, new culture and we’ve had to make it on our own with no support system in place. And it’s been crazy and exciting and scary and wonderful all at once. We plan to stay here at the very least until I have citizenship (DH and the kids have British & Irish passports but I only have an SA passport and would like a 2nd option) and then we may find another interesting country to live in for a couple of years. Maybe even a non-English speaking country

Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life?

Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Yes. After the birth of my daughter I got post-natal depression. Until then I knew nothing about depression and wished people would just pick up their lip and get on with it. So it serves me right that I’d get some first hand experience to teach me a lesson in empathy.

We had wanted a child for so long and I thought that when she came along everything would just be “right”. But it didn’t happen that way.

Our daughter didn’t sleep for more than 40 minutes at a time – I was exhausted, I was numb and I wanted out. I spent a long time thinking about the quickest least messy way to kill myself. One morning after obsessing about it all through the night I got in my car, drove to the doctor’s office and waited for them to open. I had seen my OB previously and told her how I was feeling and she laughed and said “welcome to motherhood”. Thankfully my doctor listened and understood I needed help.

I took anti-depressants until my daughter turned 1 and I felt ready to wean myself off them. I wish I’d asked for help sooner! And I have a much better understanding now of people who suffer from depression – its not just something you can snap out of.

Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today

Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today

I’m not going to get cute and philosophical about having more to accomplish with my life. I am still alive today because I’m cautious as all hell. I seldom do anything risky and when I do its a calculated risk. Boring, boring, boring… but alive, right?

Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs.

Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs.

This playlist would be for my better half – its music that we either both love, or music that means something, reminds me of a special moment…

The Cure – Lovecats

Freshly Ground – Nomvula

Iron & Wine – Boy with a coin

Gin Wigmore – Hallelujah

Kara Dioguardi – Terrified

The Proclaimers – I’m gonna be

R.E.M – Nightswimming

The Beatles – I wanna hold your hand

Bob Marley -Redemption song

The Rolling Stones – Paint it Black

Guns & Roses – Sweet Child of Mine

Cat Stevens – Can’t keep it in

Cowboy Junkies – Sweet Jane

Nine Inch Nails – Warm Place

Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life

Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life

I wish that DH and I had travelled more before settling down. I would have loved to have lived in a foreign country (a non-English speaking one) before we had children. I still think we may up-roots once or twice more and move somewhere just for the hell of it but it would have been a different experience doing it without kids.

Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life

Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life

I can’t think of anything – I am painfully boring and do pretty much everything “by the book”. Much to the annoyance of my far more colourful siblings. I’m the living, breathing equivalent of beige. But don’t worry, I’ll make up for it with the mother of all mid-life crises

Day 21 → Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

Day 21 → Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

No question about it, if I wasn’t in the accident with her I’d be moving my butt to get to her as fast as possible. Which could get expensive given that she lives about as far away as its possible to get!